Men’s Health magazine recently concluded that the worst restaurant food to eat is Outback Steakhouse’s Aussie Cheese Fries with ranch dressing. Yum. There is nothing in this dish that isn’t bad for you: fries, cheese, bacon, ranch dressing.

In our country, this is an appetizer. After downing this, there will be a 20-ounce porterhouse, a loaded baked potato on which you can dump the butter from the bread, and a Cinnamon Apple Oblivion dessert, which proves there is a God and He wants us to be happy.

This is why we are fat.

But we want our celebrities to be super skinny. How hypocritical of us.

Take Paris Hilton. She is obviously a talented actress with a promising singing career — wait, no. She’s the over-exposed celebrity creature with super-rich parents, too much free time and a sub-par Internet porn video, but she is very skinny. Is that sexy? In our chubby society, she has smaller boobs than most men.

How did we first know Britney Spears was on her way to being nuttier than a squirrel’s pantry? She gained weight. Oh, then she shaved her head, showed us where her babies would have come from if she wasn’t afraid birth may hurt, and spent some time hanging out in a hospital with her peers.

How does Lindsay Lohan stay so skinny consuming so many, ah, calories? Energy-drink hi-balls pack a lot of calories. She’s skinny like Paris, but she doesn’t have fat-man boobs, that’s for sure. Apparently showing her boobs is her path to a comeback. Isn’t there a Disney re-make she can star in, say, “The Happiest Millionaire”?

Then there are celebrities that are too skinny. Nicole Richie, Mary Kate Olsen and Kate Moss come to mind. Even after her pregnancy, Nicole Richie is still too thin. She looks like someone threw a girl’s dress over a coat rack. Kate Beckinsale could use a cheese burger or two, too.

How obsessed are we with skinny celebrities? Well, there us a skinny celebrity Web site: http://theskinnywebsite.com/. For some strange reason, a visit to this Web site makes you want to order barbecue ribs. Zero is not a size, girls!

What do we do when our celebrities get fat? Shame and ridicule.

We know more about Kirstie Alley’s waistline than the presidential candidates’ stands on education.

Jennifer Love Hewitt – who is not fat – had some photos taken of her in a bikini that showed her rather large behind. It became a top story – Love’s rump. She had to defend her behind – a behind that’s smaller than most behinds you see in the local mall crammed into jeans that would fit an 11-year-old.

We don’t criticize male celebrities for being fat, so they can have all the cheese fries they want.