Dear Miley,

Howdy! How are ya? I’m fit as a fiddle.

I heard today that you are a vegetarian, but you don’t like vegetables. I hear tell you only eat pasta and weight only 95 pounds.

Kraft Easy Mac and Starbucks coffee is not a diet, girl — it’s a good way to get sick.

You see, sweetie, you need protein. You can get them from plants, but you gotta eat them. Try some nuts, whole grain pasta and soy. Adding a shot of hazelnut flavoring to your coffee isn’t enough, honey.

You also need iron — more than you can get from goobers. Humans usually get this from red meat. Also, the only naturally place to get vitamin B12 is from meat.

Let’s face it — we were meant to eat animals. You know your “fang” teeth? No, before you had ’em fix. Yeah, well, they’re there to rip at meat. It’s just horse sense.

Turns out popping a multivitamin won’t help much. Actually, it may hurt. Researchers in Denmark figured that one out, sweetie.

Bless your little heart, but you’re still growing. You need protein to grow or you’ll get all out of kilter.

You also need energy and caffeine will only take you so far.

Vegetarians usually reach puberty later, and I reckon you’re never gonna make it.

I figure, since you have a lot of pets, you’re a vegetarian because you can’t bring yourself to eat purdy little critters.

Some animals were just meant to be eaten. Fish? Food. Chickens? Food. Guinea pigs? Food.

Haven’t you ever just had a hankering for possum pie?

There’s some tasty vegetables out there. Have you been to Ruth’s Chris Steakhouse? Of course not. Well, they make vegetables so good you’d slap your grandma to get some more. Their fresh broccoli is covered in cheese, and they serve enough to kill a horse. Their broiled tomatoes are darn near candy.

Beans are good. Iffin you don’t like green beans, eat some refried. You’ll poot a little, but you’ll feel better.

You make enough money to have your vegetables taste whatever way you want. Want a carrot to taste like a cookie? Tell ’em to get you some cookie-flavored carrots! They’ll skedaddle and get you some.

I’m all tore up over this. What in tarnation are you thinking? Eat your veggies!