Note: The following is satire. Miley did not write this letter. It’s a joke.

Dear Selena Gomez,

What’s up, girlfriend?! It’s your Disney friend, Miley Cyrus!

I heard you signed the standard “Give me fame then dump me” contract with Disney. That’s great! We all have one: Lindsay Lohan, Hilary Duff, Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, Vanessa Hudgens.

Let me tell you, the fame is great! A hit show and a hit album are hard to beat when you’re a teen. It sure better than being prom queen!

Trouble is keeping that fame. Let’s face it, you’re gonna have to do something every day to stay on top, and it’s going to involve showing some skin.

A little advice: don’t go overboard.

Photos by Annie Leibovitz in Vanity Fair that show a – gasp – bare back? That’s OK. Just don’t invite your dad or anyone with the last name DeLuise.

Nude photos? Not so much. Ask Vanessa. She almost lost her contract with that one. Even classy nudes, a la Lindsay, don’t help much – just show some bra or a guy on top of you. Take all photos with a cell phone. “Leak” them periodically.

Crotch shots? No. They didn’t help Lindsay or Britney, and they won’t help you.

Showing off the boob job (you did get the boob-job option, right)? Hell, yeah! Find any and every excuse to do that. It drives the pedophiles crazy!

Some more advice: watch your back.

Do you think Demi Lovato signed a similar contract with Disney? Damn straight, she did. So, don’t be too buddy, buddy with her – she’ll run over you in an instant to make half as much as I do. Barney may have loved both of you, but those days are over!

Also, watch out for the Nick kids. Nick supports their stars long after their expiration date. Heck, Jaime Lynn got knocked up, and they still support her.

If there is a shadow in your room at night that even looks like Miranda Cosgrove, shoot it. Then shoot it again.

Have you heard her songs? The voice they use for Miranda actually sounds like Miranda! I wonder how they did that. I even heard she was in a popular movie that wasn’t a spinoff of one of her TV shows – that’s “shows,” meaning more than one.

Like I said, keep an eye on her.

Just remember, we are 15 and as fertile as box full of rabbits. Nothing kills an acting/singing/dancing career like a baby. Ask the Spears girls.

Anywho, just wanted to write and wish you the best of luck. But, if you get near my trailer, well – a girl has to do what a girl has to do.

Later,

Miley Cyrus (a.k.a. Hannah Montana, biatch!)