Editor’s Note: This is a parody, not an actual story. You get jokes, right?

After the U.S. Attorney’s Office closed the case on Heath Ledger’s overdose, President George W. Bush pushed for an investigation into Lindsay Lohan’s ties with the death.

Since the U.S. Attorney’s Office will not enforce the subpoena against Mary-Kate Olsen, a source close to the president, who wished to not be identified when speaking about totally made up situations, said the president believes there must be a connection between the “accidental” overdose and a young starlet.

“When the president sees connections, he’s usually right about these things,” the anonymous source said. “He must have reliable information about this that the general public is not privy to. He wouldn’t just make something up to justify an invasion – of privacy or otherwise.”

Just what is this reliable information? Sources close to the anonymous source say Lohan has been known to have “workers making drugs” operating for her. These WMDs may have supplied the drugs Ledger was taking.

“We do not have any evidence of WMDs, but we’ll keep looking,” the source said. “Proof of WMDs has to be somewhere.”

Highly placed sources in the government believe the WMDs may be situated in the back of a tractor-trailer truck, as to be mobile and hard to find.

A reporter shouted a question about Lohan to the president during his visit to Bangkok. The president responded, “Who? What? She should do well in the Olympics.”

Paparazzi who follow Lohan have known for some time about the president and Lohan.

“Who doesn’t want to invade Lindsay,” one photog, who was too stoned to remember his name, said. “I mean, she made Disney movies.”

The highly placed government source said there will be evidence this time.

“This is not another Iraq,” he said. “We’ll get the FBI instead of the CIA to forge the letter this time no matter what [George] Tenet says.”

Olsen’s attorney said her client is innocent in any matter involving Ledger or Lohan, and, if given immunity, will be glad to discuss stuff she doesn’t need to hide.

“We almost care enough to pay attention,” the general public said.