Ever since Tim Russert died of a heart attack, I’ve been worried the same would happen to me. I decided to buy the new Microsoft Windows Portable Heart Defibrillator.

I was initially happy with my purchase. Much like having a fire extinguisher, pepper spray or a gun, I wanted to know if it worked, so I tried it on my cat, Fluffy.

I was able to stop Fluffy’s heart and restart it with ease. The instructions fail to mention you can only do this about nine times to a cat.

I tested the defibrillator a couple of times on Fluffy II before I put the machine in the back of my truck and started looking for people having a heart attack.

I was parked outside the Hardee’s for less than an hour before I spotted a man eating a Prime Rib Thickburger and clutching his chest. When he hit the ground, I sprung into action.

I had the leads attached when I received an error message saying critical boot files were corrupt. Uh oh.

I was back at the house before I heard the ambulance siren. I went to Microsoft’s Web site to see if it had information about this type of error, but it was strangely silent.

A Google search showed many Microsoft Windows Defibrillator owners have had this problem. No one seemed to have a solution or a cause for this error. The only working solution I could find was reinstalling the defibrillator’s operating system.

Luckily, Microsoft includes a reinstall disk. I almost threw this out because, let’s face it, when do you actually have to reinstall software?

The first attempt at reinstalling the operating system didn’t work. It would hang while the install was “looking for devices.” Back online, I found this, too, to be a common problem.

Microsoft’s Web site was silent again, but there were plenty of others who have been through this. A common suggestion was to detach all non-essential accessories, so I unplugged the leads and tried again.

No luck. The only working solution I could find was to do a “clean” install, whatever that was. I followed the instructions I found online – not on Microsoft’s site – and did a clean install.

Upon rebooting, I had to download three service packs, a number of security updates and a lot of drivers for devices I couldn’t see. I also had to do a dance around the defibrillator holding one lead in my mouth while chatting, “Selur etag llib.” It wouldn’t let me download a patch until I did that.

This took three days. During that time, I called Hardee’s to see if the man I tried to save was OK. They were not sure which guy having a heart attack I was referring to, so I just hoped for the best.

Fluffy II also died during that time. I really could have used a working defibrillator.

Now that the machine is up again, I’m scared to use it. What if I do again whatever it is I did to make it not boot? Whenever Fluffy III walks by it, the screen blanks out for a few seconds. Is it the hardware causing a software problem? Naw, that couldn’t happen. I did crash a computer once by installing a new DVD drive, but that was a fluke.

I think it’s time to spend the extra money and buy the Apple OS X Pacemaker Implant because this Microsoft Windows Portable Heart Defibrillator sucks.