It takes a lot to shock us. We’re a fairly jaded society, especially when it comes to our celebrities and our worship of them.

But this week was full – full– of shocking revelations and events:

• Mackenzie Phillips does drugs
• Lindsay Lohan hates her dad
• Hilary Duff is a spoiled brat
• Minnie Driver is very pregnant
• Denise Richards is not very interesting but very nuts
• Charlie Sheen is fertile
• Michael Phelps is buoyant

Yes, every one of these surprises was too outrageous for us to take – especially all in one week.

OK, so maybe we could have guessed Mackenzie still enjoys drugs. Lindsay blog-fighting with her dad is probably just a way to keep both of them in the gossip rags. Hilary deserves a $25,000 birthday party.

Minnie should always wear as many clothes as possible, even when she’s not pregnant. She is not a MILF. Isla Fisher? Oh, yeah – unshaven and everything!

What made anyone think Denise Richards was interesting, even Ryan Seacrest? She’s nuttier than a lump of squirrel poop in Mr. Peanut’s pantry and that’s all. It’s not very endearing, unlike Ozzy.

Her ex has always been something of a sperm sprinkler – Brooke Mueller will be having Charlie’s third baby – most likely another daughter due to drugged out weak swimmers, unlike Phelps. Charlie has three daughters already, one from Paula Profit and two from the squirrel.

So, let’s dole out the free advice:

• Mackenzie – stop doing drugs, all of them
• Lindsay – shut up
• Lindsay’s dad – shut up, you’re using Lindsay, too
• Hilary – Chuck E. Cheese’s has very reasonable rates
• Hilary’s dad – move to Mexico, change your name
• Minnie – never, ever expose us to any more of your exposed flesh
• Isla – more exposed flesh, please
• Julia Roberts – see the advice to Minnie
• Denise – get some help, sweetheart
• Charlie – buy some condoms, be a real dad like Bob Duff and Michael Lohan
• Michael Phelps – when your 15 minutes is up, take the money and run (swim, whatever)

Some real shockers? There are gay Hutts, Hayden Panettiere hasn’t done something totally degrading (yet), someone is buying Jessica Simpson’s music (stop it) and Madonna is a bitch. OK, we knew the last one.