Hayden Panettiere is lovin’ it. Heidi Klum is lovin’ it. Even vegetarian Miley Cyrus is lovin’ it.

But let’s face it, McDonald’s is evil.

Proof? Their fruit doesn’t rot.

Leave an open package of Apple Dippers open for 24 hours, and the apples will remain white and crisp. Leave them open for 48 hours, and the apples will remain white and crisp. Leave them open for 30 days, and the apples will remain white and crisp!

Try it. See?

Get an apple from the grocery store, and they will rot on the way home. Take a bite out of a grocery store apple, and the bite spot is brown before you take the next bite. Half a bag of grocery store apples will have brown indents on them.

So what’s the deal with Apple Dippers?

McDonald’s is probably using NatureSeal – a flavorless white powder that, when mixed with water, seal the apple millimeters beneath the surface. Ew.

Sounds creepy, but it works. The Apple Dippers taste like apples even days after opening. There’s just something wrong with that. It is, obviously, not natural.

Regardless, we’re buying them and eating them. McDonald’s buys more apples than any other restaurant chain in the United States.

What really sells the Apple Dippers is the dipping sauce. Nothing like a little pool of caramel to make anything taste good.

Can’t get your kids to eat fruits? Drown the fruit in candy. Yum!

Speaking of Yum!, when is one of Yum!’s restaurants going to come out with a really good dessert?

Sure, every fast food restaurant has their version of the Blizzard, but shouldn’t a fast food giant like Yum! Have something original to offer? Dairy Queen has the Blizzard – accept no substitutes. Wendy’s has the Frosty – whatever that really is. McDonald’s has apple pies and the perfect little sundaes – both copied ad (a lot of) naseum.

KFC? Their little Bundt cakes suck. Little Bucket parfaits? Please.

Long John Silver’s? Fish and desserts just don’t go together. Anyone can buy an Oreo pie and serve you a slice – not very original.

Taco Bell? The Choco Taco is pretty good, but it’s made by Klondike. Cinnamon Twists are a special kind of disgusting. They’re cinnamon and sugar coated cheese puffs without the cheese. Blah.

Pizza Hut reinvents the pizza every month, sometimes inventing dessert pizzas. Guess what? All dessert pizza tastes like sugar-coated bread. Dunking a bread stick into Hershey’s chocolate is not a dessert. It’s more like breakfast.

A&W does have root beer floats, but they lack something. When you consume one, you keep hoping it will taste like what you think a float should taste like, but it never does. Pity.

So, Yum!, make us a dessert so we’ll stop eating the dipping part of Apple Dippers right out of the little pool. Thanks in advance.