Here is my authoritative review of the NBC television show “Heroes.”

It sucks.

No, I haven’t seen it, but that doesn’t mean I can’t review it and know that it sucks.

Here’s why:

Hayden Panettiere doesn’t appear nude – ever. If she’s a cheerleader on T.V., she should get naked about every other episode. She doesn’t; therefore, “Heroes” sucks.

Masi Oka can bend time. OK. Then why doesn’t Hayden Panettiere suddenly become naked? Any male that doesn’t suck would stop time long enough to get Hayden Panettiere naked and move somewhere he would have a good view.

This is what Hayden Panettiere’s diary would look like: “Dear Diary, I suddenly became naked again in the middle of school. That creepy guy was there, again, looking at me. I think there is a connection. Why does this keep happening to me, like, three or four times a day?”

Also, any TV show you have to rent the first two seasons on DVD to even understand what is going on during the current season is too much time to dedicate to a TV show. It’s a TV show, not a marriage. Just have the characters do incredible stuff and show Hayden Panettiere without her clothes on.

If I wanted a complex, on-going story line with mystery provided by a lack of knowledge of the viewer as opposed to the writer, I would go to the movies and get out in two hours. I could also watch soap operas, and, occasionally, see some sex scenes – which Hayden Panettiere would be perfect for.

I’m not waiting five seasons to find out what is really going on, especially without a little skin from Hayden Panettiere. I’m certainly not going to spend time online at “Heroes 360 Experience” to try to figure out what’s going on. I’ll be online looking for naked photos of Hayden Panettiere.

“Lost” sucks, too, for the same reason. I’m not devoting my life to some T.V. mythology so I can understand one joke on “Family Guy.” Also, “Lost” doesn’t have Hayden Panettiere, clothed or otherwise.  Evangeline Lilly doesn’t get naked, either. Boo!

Speaking of actresses who need to reconsider and do nude scenes, I’ve made a list:

Jessica Alba – whenever we thought she was nude, it was a body double. Boo!

Julia Stiles – She may be an alien, but she needs to get naked. She will when she realizes she hasn’t had a good movie since, well, ever.

Natalie Portman – No, you can’t see anything in “Closer.” Naked butt in “Hotel Chevalier”? Big deal. She shows off more just walking around town, so I don’t see what the problem is.

Scarlett Johansson – You knew she was on the list.

Anne Hathaway – What? She did? How many times? Wow! And just when I was getting comfortable with the idea of her liking booty sex.

So, NBC, is you’re listening, you could have a hit on your hands if you could get Hayden Panettiere naked, or one of her prudish friends. I’m not too picky.