Let’s say you read this headline: “Famous celebrities die when bus plunges off cliff.” Who do you hope is onboard?

Here is the official TheBestWho.com list of celebrities we wish would die in a painful bus crash:

1.  The Oslen Twins. They have never contributed anything to betterment of our world – ever. And, yet, they are both multi-millionaires. For what? They have no talent. Their best acting happened before they were toilet trained. They’re not attractive. They’re not sexy. They can’t sing. They are the corporal equivalent of the World Trade Center towers right after the terrorists crashed the planes into them – we know there’s going to be a collapse and wreckage in the very near future. They can have the front seat behind the driver.

2. Miley Cyrus and Billy Ray Cyrus. Together they have taken vast amounts of money and given us in return one very painful song – “Achy Breaky Heart.” Miley doesn’t sing. It’s more like screaming that has been altered in the studio to sound vaguely like singing. And, yet, they could wipe their behinds with $20 bills for the rest of their lives and still have enough money for Starbucks. Let’s shorten their lives by giving them a seat on our special bus.

3. Paris Hilton. This crash needs to happen before she breeds, and we have another generation of pampered, spoiled brats that are so rich they don’t know what to do with loose change. The last thing this world needs is more brain-dead individuals crowding our zeitgeist. No one but the paparazzi may even know she has gone once the bus explodes.

4. Lindsay Lohan. She can sit next to her whole family as well, her dad included. She can sit next to her girlfriend, too. The whole lot of them can hold hands as they experience the thrill of weightlessness on the way down to their demise. Lindsay is nothing more than a couple of huge, pendulous breasts. There are plenty of those down at the local laundry mat. We don’t need her freckled sacks. Give any upcoming roles to cardboard cutout of Hayley Mills circa 1961.

5. O.J. Simpson. Do we really need to list reasons?

6. Paul Newman. He is a complete waste of human flesh. What? Really? Never mind.

7. David Blaine. Doesn’t he remind you of the kid in high school who would eat a booger for a nickel just to attract attention? Things don’t change much. Look at me! I’m hanging upside down! Throw nickels! We checked and there is a picture of Blaine next to the dictionary entry for “publicity stunt.” Before he wastes any more of our time, here’s a bus ticket.

8. My third-grade teacher. OK, so she’s not a celebrity, but it’s about time she got what she deserves. Hopefully, she’ll live in agony for a while at the bottom of the cliff. Yeah.

9. Bill O’Reilly. He’s on the bus just because of how he treats people he invites on his show. Why invite people on and then talk over them, yell at them and tell them to shut up? He is so full of himself that he thinks of himself when masturbating. He even shouts his own name before throwing his sock into the hamper. What’s outside the known universe? More of O’Reilly’s ego. Maybe we’ll put him next to James Carville so Bill will have someone to yell at on the way down.

10. Jessica Simpson. She’s on the bus because she can be replaced with just about anyone with a blonde wig. What other noted qualities does she have? Boobs? My next door neighbor, Bob, has bigger boobs than her. You don’t see Bob distracting Tony Romo, do you. No. Bob is an outstanding citizen and a pleasure to be around.  He’ll even let you cop a feel, if you’d like. Jessica Simpson lowers the IQ of the world by being in it.

Those who you would think would be on the bus but are not:

1. Britney Spears. It’s too much fun watching her slowly destroy herself.

2. Amy Winehouse. She’d survive the crash and walk off as if nothing happened. Why? She’s already dead.

3. Angelina Jolie. What are all her kids going to do without her? Exactly.

4. Hannah Montana. We looked it up – she’s not real.

5. Hilary Duff. She’s about a relevant as a fist full of monkey chow.

6. Madonna. She needs a slower, more painful departure from this world.

7. Reece Witherspoon. The mothership would come down and save her.

8. Heidi Klum. To be honest, if Heidi Klum knocked on our door, we’re not sure if we would know who she is – kind of like Ashlee Simpson.

9. Anyone with the last name Kardasian. Evil doesn’t die. Perhaps we can expel their evil spirits into a herd of pigs and put the pigs on the bus.

10. Michael Jackson. He’s been gone since the 1980s.