Apparently Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen have a self-image problem. Solution? Boob jobs.

We knew Mary-Kate had a self-image problem, with her anorexia and all. Well, so does Ashley, and she wants to solve the problem by surgically making her boobies big.

And Ashley wants Mary-Kate to do so, too, so they – the boobs – will not appear obviously bigger, which is the reason for a boob job.

Not only does this not help her twin’s self-image problem, but big boobies will not change what Ashley thinks of herself. It will just give her bigger boobs.

Having grown up in an industry where image is everything, changing outward appearances may seem like a solution when you don’t like the way that you look to yourself. Unless Ashley gets a self-esteem boost from looking down, what she thinks of herself won’t change when other see her as a sex object.

In fact, feeling like an object – a sex object, at that – usually hurts one’s self-image and self-esteem.

It won’t change the fact that both twins are creepy looking and lack any talent other than looking like each other. If Ashley gets the boob job and Mary-Kate doesn’t, they will – collectively and individually – have no talent, if looking like someone is actually a talent.

Neither gal is a trend setter. They tend to do whatever it is the other celebrities are doing. Getting a boob job would seem like a logical next step.

They are already successful, so why the need to make drastic changes? Is it because their separate and collective telephones are not ringing as much as they used to?

They can change that.

How about an acting class or two? That could help.

How about a cheeseburger or two? Ashley, you will look “more voluptuous” if you had curves rather than skin and bone. Eat. Have you noticed fat girls have big boobs? Go with that. Take Mary-Kate with you to In-n-Out Burger.

Try smaller, independent movies. Establish some credibility in the industry. Work your way up. You may have started at the top – if “Full House” can be considered the top – but no one stays there except Samuel L. Jackson.

Get married, have children – in that order! The boobs will come.

Keep this in mind, too: Fake boobs look more fake as you get older. Don’t be the grannies with the large, perky boobs. We’ll all sleep better if you don’t.